How to Be a Better Lover, According to Sex Experts
Here’s an ego check: Do you think you’re good in bed? Most of us would like to think so. But there’s always room for improvement. If you’re wondering how to be a better lover and what she wishes you did during sex, we’ve got plenty of tips.
This is a hot topic, according to sex therapists. But the answer, just as with most other aspects of how to enhance sexual experiences, is subjective. Tips should be seen as guidelines, not rules.
Below, find recommendations from sex experts on how to become a better lover that you can put into practice today.
Think of Sex as a Conversation
Just as communicating shouldn’t be one-sided, sex shouldn’t be self-serving. From dirty talk to foreplay to penetration, there should be a natural give and take that builds intimacy, connection, and a sense of reciprocity.
“Sex is just a conversation that gets expressed with body language, breaths, sighs, and moans,” says sexual health expert Tami Rose, adding that some of the conversation should also be verbal.
When you’re open-minded and drop the ego, you can give honest feedback about what you like to receive and give.
“You should be an active participant,” Rose adds, which means “attentively listening, too,”
If you don’t ask and tell, always coming from a place of vulnerability and trust, you won’t build a strong foundation from which the physical, emotional, and intellectual relationship can grow.
Check In With Your Partner
When you’re in the thick of it (it being sex), it’s easy to get carried away and focus solely on your sexual enjoyment. Try to get in the habit of coming back to earth and touching base with your partner to ensure you have full consent, you’re pleasing their needs, and they’re comfortable with the pace of things.
Maybe the depth of penetration is too intense, they want to tweak the angle, or they’re exhausted after 15 minutes of enthusiastic Cowgirl. They may not want to disturb your revelry, so be mindful and considerate. A quick check-in can do wonders for your relationship. Partners who feel seen, valued, and cared about are more inclined to lower inhibitions and share fantasies without fear of being criticized.
Strengthen Physical Intimacy With Emotional Connection
Sex encompasses physical, mental, and emotional aspects. Therefore, to be a better lover, you need to increase the physical, mental, and emotional connectivity between you and your partner, whether it’s a short- or long-term relationship.
“By allowing ourselves to be emotionally vulnerable, we can authentically embrace our sexuality and be more attuned to our partner’s feelings, desires, and needs,” says Lisa Lawless, Ph.D., intimacy and sexual wellness expert, and CEO of HolisticWisdom.com, a one-stop shop for sexual health education and body-safe sex toys.
If you’re not having meaningful conversations—and even difficult conversations—with your partner, make the first move. Some people’s sexual desire and fulfillment are intrinsically tied to intimacy and partner responsiveness.
Strengthening your bond as a couple outside the bedroom will yield a stronger connection within.
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There’s No One Size Fits All
Everyone you sleep with has different desires, turn-ons, turn-offs, and a willingness to try new sex positions. We all exist on a spectrum.
That said, there’s no one perfect routine or trick you can learn that will please everyone every time. Don’t get offended or shocked if your new partner doesn’t like a sex toy that thrilled your last partner. Respect boundaries above all else.
“If you learn to tune into their reactions and follow the thread of the conversation without getting caught up in simply pleasuring yourself at their expense, you’ll stand out as an amazing lover,” says Rose.
Educate Yourself on Human Anatomy
Lawless says this is part of her three-pronged approach when clients ask her the weighted question of how to be a better lover.
“Most people are not as educated about anatomy and our erogenous zones as they should be,” says Lawless. The clitoris is the perfect example.
Nearly all are familiar with it, but most are unaware the clitoris that’s visible on the exterior of the body is only the head.
“There’s an entire wishbone-shaped clitoral structure that wraps around the vaginal walls,” says Lawless. “Furthermore, the head of the clitoris is comparable to the head of the penis,” therefore, it’s packed with nerve endings that make it highly sensitive to stimulation.
A good rule of thumb: Start soft and slow when touching the clitoris. This applies to the G-spot as well.
The G-spot is an area where the clitoral legs and paraurethral glands (female prostate) connect.
“It ranges in size and is more easily detected after sexual arousal when the female prostate fills with prostatic fluid, which is why it’s not easily felt at all times in all vulva-owners,” Lawless says.
Because it’s often misunderstood in its definition, some people think it doesn’t exist or only some vulva-owners have them.
Like the clitoris, the “G-spot is a very sensitive area that can be over-stimulated in certain positions—especially if a female isn’t completely aroused.”
Variations on a classic can bring you a whole new world of pleasure.
Experiment With Sex Positions and Sex Toys
Again, no two sexual partners are the same—but the more tools you have in your kit, the more likely you are to pull something out that will satisfy you both.
Missionary sex position is the perfect example. There are numerous variations and tips to make it more pleasurable and exciting.
This can be explored with a partner, but Lawless recommends men and women masturbate for sexual self-exploration, as it helps set personal sexual goals.
“Many people don’t take the time to ask themselves what they want from their sexual experiences, yet it’s critical to fully understand what we really want and how to achieve it,” explains Lawless.
Masturbation facilitates this without the distraction or pressure of having a partner, and allows us to better understand our own preferences.
Being physically close and intimate with your partner throughout the day will make you feel more connected sexually.
Prioritize Non-Sexual Physical Touch
Appreciation is the last facet in Lawless’ approach, meaning to respect partners’ boundaries and limitations while encouraging them to be free to experience uninhibited sexual experiences.
Appreciation can also extend beyond the bedroom with non-sexual touch throughout the day, like holding hands, hugging, and playful touch that’s not necessarily a precursor to immediate sex but shows affection.
“Remembering to keep non-sexual, affectionate touch as an active part of a relationship can translate into hotter sex later,” Lawless says.
Ultimately, being a good lover means understanding and being patient, with the strengths and weaknesses of our partner.
“As we wish to be accepted as we are, we must also allow our partner to be imperfect, as it’s an essential aspect of intimacy,” Lawless says. “As we allow ourselves the opportunity to grow and evolve, we can develop better sexual education, connection, and skills.”